Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Changes...

I've decided to make some changes in my life...well i decided a while ago but I have been too lazy to do anything...haha
So November starts in about an hr and then it will be exactly 61days until the year 2007 is over. At the beginning of this year I knew that I was going to have a break through. I knew that I would not end the year alone, confused, wanting, depressed etc.
I know that this would be my year! But its 61 days left and nothing extraordinary has happened. I have been sitting here and waiting and NOTHING has happened....
And the reason is because I have done Nothing. I have dreams I have aspirations I have all these goals and i just sit and wait for them to sort themselves out...THEY ARENT going to!
So with the last 61 days of this year I will DO! I wont just sit and wait for something extraordinary to happen I will make it happen! With God by my side all things are possible.
So starting tomorrow....for real oh
- I will start my eating right diet. I have to get those extra 15 pounds I put on this summer off!
- I will go to the gym regularly....
- I will read my Bible and pray everyday! I need some divine intervention because doing it myself obviously aint working!
- I will take opportunities and dare to dream and think big!
- I will not feel sorry for myself and mope! I will take action where action is dude.
- I will make a difference! People will notice something different about me in these last 61 days!

haha I am preaching. But on the real...I was sitting on my bed feeling sorry for myself and then I was gonna write a post about being depressed and lonely, but why? My mum always says "Speak those things that arent as if they were" and that is what I am going to do. I will only think positive and I will be happy with whatever comes my way. I shall not question God because He disciplines those He loves. And it is brightest after the darkest our so I am waiting for my surprise from God this year. The one that I know will come.

61 days- I have 61 days to let God let me make a difference!

ps. I promise to keep you updated...


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

This and That

As you might have guessed from the previous post the K era is SOOOOO over!
Like this time it is sooo for real. No turning back anymore. Not because I dont love him but because I dont see a future for us, there is seriously no point anymore.....

In other news, my parents are really ticking me off right now. Well my dad is. I hate it when you tell parents something and they take it like a question and answer. arrrrggggghhhh! It drives me so insane! I just dont know what to say anymore. Whatever sha, I will do what I want to do with my life, not what they want me to do. I am not a child anymore. I am trying to do me and have a future that I will be happy with. Not for them. I don't why they wont let me make my decisions myself! ARRRHHHHG!

Well life is pretty bleek right now. I think I'm displaying the beginning symptoms of depression and it is really sad. I wish I had something to do that would keep me busy 24/7 because I have found that I am most happy and content when I am in school....*sigh*

Monday, October 22, 2007

"Goodbye"


I said goodbye to you today.
I tried to make it short and sweet.
But u just kept asking, asking me why.
Why it had to end, why now?
I tried to explain to you, my heart just wasn't in it anymore.
I just needed to be alone for a while, to figure it out.
I would be back when I found myself.
But you pressed and pushed. You wanted to know.
You ALWAYS want to know.
You provoked me.
Started putting words in my mouth.
Started guessing.
ARRRRGGGGHHHHH I hate it when you do that!
Accuse me of not wanting you 'cus there is someone else.
Someone older, riser, smarter, better.
I did not want to hurt you, to say anything that would haunt me.
But you made me.
You made me say everything!
How I felt about everything.
The fact that I give and give and give
And you take and take and take.
Now you had taken all I had to give and left me emotionally drained.
The phone calls were still frequent, but we talked about...
Nothing.
Your presence made me feel even more alone.
Maybe it was the distance.
Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
But this time I know its over for good.
'Cause you made me say some things, things I did not want to say.
You made me say "goodbye"

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I'M BACK!

Its been a while I know. Even though I promised not to go MIA again after my last hiatus. Its juss been real tough settling in to Uni again and getting moved into my mew place. I never knew there was so much work involved in getting an apartment. My dad was so right!
Anyway I'm back! I've missed blogville. Everything here just makes sense, a lot more than it does in the real world I have to say.

I knew when I woke up this morning that I was going to blog today. I just felt so incomplete, so alone. Like there was so much I wanted to talk about, but there is no one to call and discuss it with. It's so sad. Surrounded by so many, yet no one to trust. Thats the story of my life. I feel so out of my element, I don't even know where to start. My mind of soo full right now of SOOOOO much stuff.

LOVE- Why can't I love? Its not like there are no guys. In fact there are enough. But I have gotten really good at pushing guys away. I sometimes think that there must be something wrong with me. Other times I think that maybe there is something wrong with them, after all if a guy really cared he would stick around right?

FRIENDSHIP- Its not like I don't have friends, i have loads. But...I look through my phone book and I'm not tempted to call anyone. My "long" phone calls last barely 30mins. I don't feel like anyone looks for me. I feel like if i disappeared for a whole day no one would know...

SCHOOL- wow. this one is touchy. I have put my heart and sweat into school this year and I am scared that it still wont make a difference...

MONEY- Oh my. I'm BROKE! I want a job bad, but I cant work and go to school at the same time...every time i try i end up quiting because I get overwhelmed.

There are other things but they are hard to put into words...so I shall just leave it at that for now...I'm gonna here more often these days...there's a lot that needs to come out....