Friday, December 14, 2007

The Birth of "Ebony "

So its been like a month and a half and ALOT has happened in that time, but I have decided to turn my blog into a sort of anecdote forum. I have created a fictitious character Ebony who will be the narrator in my little anecdotes. I hope that they are an enjoyable read for all and I PROMISE to be committed and consistent, my early new years resolution. And on her journey to becoming a writer, her first ever dream, she took the keyboard as her pen and the screen as her paper and she wrote and wrote and wrote until she was done...and then she wrote some more....

I think I had my first real fight with a friend when I was about eight or nine. It was over something really stupid I remember, who got to stand next to whom on the assembly line. I wanted to stand next to my newest best friend Mary, but so did Michelle. We got into some sorta war of words which resulted in neither of us standing next to her - Mrs Trumpet saw to that. Later that day I wanted to have lunch with Mary, but she was with Michelle again, so we fought. I told her that she was making a big mistake dropping me for someone as "unworthy" of her friendship as Michelle and for this reason I would never speak to her again. That was about 16 years ago, and Mary and still have not spoken. Well actually I changed schools the following term so I never saw her again, but I wonder what she would be up to these days. 16 years is a really long time, she must have changed. I know I have, but I guess I'll never know.Why did i just suddenly remember all that, well maybe its cause I'm having yet another fight with a friend, one of many, with many friends in the last 16 years and it making me really mad. See, what happened was Tina and I were supposed to have a ladies night in yesterday, we had been planning it for weeks. It was the first weekend we would both be off work in months and we really needed some "Miss Congeniality" in our lives. So its about 6.30pm, the babe is already running 30mins late, I'm curled up in my pj's attacking the first bowl for Ben and jerry's for the night and watching the deleted scenes, when my mobile rings.
"Hello, Tina? Where are u girl the ice creams already melting!"
"Hey Eb, erm, I'm really sorry I should have called earlier, but erm wont be able to make it tonight"
"What, Tina! What could possibly be more important than our date that we've been planning for weeks!?"
"Erm, its Geoffry, he surprised me by coming into town tonight and well he wants....I'm really sorry Eb, I'll make it up to you I promise.Gotta run, bye!"
And that is how I spent yet another evening alone in my very chic apartment (if I do say so myself) in East London on a Saturday night. Allow me to (finally) introduce myself, I am Ebony Johnson, 25, employed and single!
Geoffry is it? What does she even know about this man? She has been "dating" him for about 3 months now. She met him last summer in Wales and he keeps popping in and out of the city and taking her on these extravagant trips and romantic get aways. I mean Tina always asked for my opinion with everything she did, thats how its been since college. We were roomies and both of us had come from out of town so we knew no one else. We hit it off instantly and have been inseparable for the last 9 years. That was until she met Geoffry. What pisses me off is that she didn't even ask about my opinion of him before she started dating him. I never even met him until last month when he suddenly showed up at her house to whisk her off somewhere one Friday night. I mean its not that I'm jealous or anything, OK maybe a little. I mean OK fine I am very jealous. The lad is not bad looking and he is obviously very comfortable financially and doesn't hesitate to spoil my best friend silly with presents and trips and all sorts of other unnecessary rubbish. I just think its a little fast! I mean he took her to Paris for her birthday 2 months ago, then they had only been dating what three weeks! Isn't that fast? I mean its obviously infatuation right? Oh bother, why has life never dealt me such a lucky hand. She is probably going to get married to this fellow and I will still be single. I don't get it though, I mean, I'm no Tyra, but I would give myself an eight on a ten point scale for beauty. I know I've put on a little lately, but I have a small frame so it doesn't really show. *sigh* Maybe I need a holiday or something. London just doesn't excite me any more. Its funny though, when did we girls go from fighting about candy and best friends to fighting because of guys?

...Bahh its LONG! Sorry guys! Hope u enjoyed the read tho! Comments!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Regret....

I refuse to let REGRET rule my life.
True there are chances that I should have taken that I have missed.
True there are places I could have gone and now probably never will.
But I will not be discouraged!
I still have so much life to live and so much more to give.
There are gonna be countless more opportunities.
And I will still go places I never dreamed of.
The past is where it is...in the the past.
My future has only just began!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Changes...

I've decided to make some changes in my life...well i decided a while ago but I have been too lazy to do anything...haha
So November starts in about an hr and then it will be exactly 61days until the year 2007 is over. At the beginning of this year I knew that I was going to have a break through. I knew that I would not end the year alone, confused, wanting, depressed etc.
I know that this would be my year! But its 61 days left and nothing extraordinary has happened. I have been sitting here and waiting and NOTHING has happened....
And the reason is because I have done Nothing. I have dreams I have aspirations I have all these goals and i just sit and wait for them to sort themselves out...THEY ARENT going to!
So with the last 61 days of this year I will DO! I wont just sit and wait for something extraordinary to happen I will make it happen! With God by my side all things are possible.
So starting tomorrow....for real oh
- I will start my eating right diet. I have to get those extra 15 pounds I put on this summer off!
- I will go to the gym regularly....
- I will read my Bible and pray everyday! I need some divine intervention because doing it myself obviously aint working!
- I will take opportunities and dare to dream and think big!
- I will not feel sorry for myself and mope! I will take action where action is dude.
- I will make a difference! People will notice something different about me in these last 61 days!

haha I am preaching. But on the real...I was sitting on my bed feeling sorry for myself and then I was gonna write a post about being depressed and lonely, but why? My mum always says "Speak those things that arent as if they were" and that is what I am going to do. I will only think positive and I will be happy with whatever comes my way. I shall not question God because He disciplines those He loves. And it is brightest after the darkest our so I am waiting for my surprise from God this year. The one that I know will come.

61 days- I have 61 days to let God let me make a difference!

ps. I promise to keep you updated...


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

This and That

As you might have guessed from the previous post the K era is SOOOOO over!
Like this time it is sooo for real. No turning back anymore. Not because I dont love him but because I dont see a future for us, there is seriously no point anymore.....

In other news, my parents are really ticking me off right now. Well my dad is. I hate it when you tell parents something and they take it like a question and answer. arrrrggggghhhh! It drives me so insane! I just dont know what to say anymore. Whatever sha, I will do what I want to do with my life, not what they want me to do. I am not a child anymore. I am trying to do me and have a future that I will be happy with. Not for them. I don't why they wont let me make my decisions myself! ARRRHHHHG!

Well life is pretty bleek right now. I think I'm displaying the beginning symptoms of depression and it is really sad. I wish I had something to do that would keep me busy 24/7 because I have found that I am most happy and content when I am in school....*sigh*

Monday, October 22, 2007

"Goodbye"


I said goodbye to you today.
I tried to make it short and sweet.
But u just kept asking, asking me why.
Why it had to end, why now?
I tried to explain to you, my heart just wasn't in it anymore.
I just needed to be alone for a while, to figure it out.
I would be back when I found myself.
But you pressed and pushed. You wanted to know.
You ALWAYS want to know.
You provoked me.
Started putting words in my mouth.
Started guessing.
ARRRRGGGGHHHHH I hate it when you do that!
Accuse me of not wanting you 'cus there is someone else.
Someone older, riser, smarter, better.
I did not want to hurt you, to say anything that would haunt me.
But you made me.
You made me say everything!
How I felt about everything.
The fact that I give and give and give
And you take and take and take.
Now you had taken all I had to give and left me emotionally drained.
The phone calls were still frequent, but we talked about...
Nothing.
Your presence made me feel even more alone.
Maybe it was the distance.
Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
But this time I know its over for good.
'Cause you made me say some things, things I did not want to say.
You made me say "goodbye"

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I'M BACK!

Its been a while I know. Even though I promised not to go MIA again after my last hiatus. Its juss been real tough settling in to Uni again and getting moved into my mew place. I never knew there was so much work involved in getting an apartment. My dad was so right!
Anyway I'm back! I've missed blogville. Everything here just makes sense, a lot more than it does in the real world I have to say.

I knew when I woke up this morning that I was going to blog today. I just felt so incomplete, so alone. Like there was so much I wanted to talk about, but there is no one to call and discuss it with. It's so sad. Surrounded by so many, yet no one to trust. Thats the story of my life. I feel so out of my element, I don't even know where to start. My mind of soo full right now of SOOOOO much stuff.

LOVE- Why can't I love? Its not like there are no guys. In fact there are enough. But I have gotten really good at pushing guys away. I sometimes think that there must be something wrong with me. Other times I think that maybe there is something wrong with them, after all if a guy really cared he would stick around right?

FRIENDSHIP- Its not like I don't have friends, i have loads. But...I look through my phone book and I'm not tempted to call anyone. My "long" phone calls last barely 30mins. I don't feel like anyone looks for me. I feel like if i disappeared for a whole day no one would know...

SCHOOL- wow. this one is touchy. I have put my heart and sweat into school this year and I am scared that it still wont make a difference...

MONEY- Oh my. I'm BROKE! I want a job bad, but I cant work and go to school at the same time...every time i try i end up quiting because I get overwhelmed.

There are other things but they are hard to put into words...so I shall just leave it at that for now...I'm gonna here more often these days...there's a lot that needs to come out....

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Hey Blogville!

I know its been a couple of weeks but with moving and starting up uni again things have been real though. Quick update.
- Things with K are alright. We get along fine now and we talk a lot less...i think its best.
- I'm going to see Beyonce in concert with my girls this week. I am too excited!
- I move into my new apartment this week too. Tres cool!

Thats about it. Life has been pretty routine since I got back to uni. I love being around all my uni friends again. Its so much fun. I have spent the first week back socializing and partying. Next week I have to get to some serious school work.
I will try not be be away so long again.
Love u all!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

The Miracle of Laughter

I'm D.O.N.E work tomorrow! YAY! Can't wait for a week of SLEEP before school starts again. Last weekend my friend and mum started talking to me about what I want to do after graduation. My mum wants me to do a masters, she never got to do one cause she got married pretty early and she doesn't want me to face the same predicament. My friend wants me to apply to all these big companies so that there is a chance that me and her will work together...It's all kinda overwhelming I have to say. I still feel like there is so much time before I have to grow up...but there isn't. I like the comfort of education. Someone tells you what to do and if you do it right you get the due recognition. There is too much responsibility in the real world! I don't know if I am ready oh!

Something funny/weird happened yesterday. I made a conscious decision not to call K again after our conversation on Saturday. Not that I wanted to stop talking to him altogether, but I realised that calling him everyday was not gonna help me get over him. So yesterday I'm just sitting around contemplating going to bed. Its already after 10 at night, and my phone starts to ring. Imagine me utter SHOCK and SURPRISE when I check my phone display and it says "K Calling". The following dialogue followed.


Me: Hello? K?
K: Hi Timi, how are you?
Me: I've been good. Real good. You?
K: I'm good too. I just thought I should call since I haven't heard from you in a few days (4days).

Me: Oh really. I thought you said that we should stop talking to each other everyday.
K: Yes I know. I'm not saying we should. But we should call each other once in a while to check up on each other, you know to see how the other person is doing.
Me: OK, sorry oh. I will try to do that.
K: So how are you, you know, emotionally?
Me: I'm good. Very good. I think our last conversation was what I needed to sort my thoughts out. I'm doing quite well now.And yourself?
K: I am good.


There was more random small talk after that, but the whole conversation lasted less than 10minutes. I guess him calling shows that he misses me...and I am so glad that his effect on me is wearing off and I can be happy again without him. Thank you Lord!

I was feeling quite down the other day and I started blogging about how unfulfilled I felt. Like I look around at other people both younger and older than me living their lives to the fullest. It seems that everyone else has a reason to smile and laugh but me. Up until last year, I was always such a "content" soul. I would just settle for whatever my family or friends thought was best at the time. Over the last year or so though I have becoming more daring. I haven't bungee jumped or pierced anything, but baby steps, baby steps. Yesterday was a good day. I met with some friends and I was able to laugh. Really laugh. I think sometimes we try to find love in all the wrong places when it is waiting for us right around the corner. The "friends" that I haven't called much this summer hardly bother to check up on me. While my "acquaintances" making the effort to seek me out and put a smile on my face. I thank God for little miracle everyday. Today, the miracle of laughter overwhelms me. I have decided not to let little things bother me any more. God will always provide what he thinks we need, I know that for a fact. I encourage everyone to look inside themselves and find that thing that they think they are missing that they know would make their joy complete. Then look around you, and you will be surprised. What you are looking for is probably already right there next to you.

I know that my blog is very much like a dear diary type sturvs right now. That was never my intention. I intend to spice things up a little every now and then with a little somn somn. I'm working on something right now that I hope you guys will enjoy. It should be up tomorrow inshallah.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Happy New Week!

Happy new week all! Thanks for all the comments and advice on my blog. I really am starting to feel like you all are members of my family. The weekend was alright...I FOUND AN APARTMENT! yay! So I am no longer homeless! I had to fight my parents small sha...but perseverance always wins, I love my new place and I cant wait to move in! It's my last week at work too. Yay! The summer is almost over, double yay! Yea I Know I am weird, but like I said before my brain is in serious need of stimulation.

*Update on the K issue*
I called him AGAIN this weekend and we talked quite a bit. He kept changing his story. Now he says that he never said that we were never gonna happen that he just wants us to slow down and think about the consequences and yadi yada..I pointed out that those were not the words he used before sha. He accepted and I think I can now let it sleep. The convo ended on a light and happy note, so at least we are cool. It still hurts all the stuff he said and I am not even sure I want to date him any more. But I could not just let it all go without finding out exactly why he was willing to just give up on us like that. He says that he hasn't that he still cares and he still has "us" at the back of his mind, that with time God will take us where we need to be. I accept that. So I have cooled down. I am not saying that I believe it, but I accept it. LOL at idemmili's comment on AIVY's blog about everyone having a partner called K...funny but so true!

I don't even have that much time to think about it 'cause I have to start getting myself ready to return to school and move into my apartment. I am so excited for furniture shopping. IKEA is like my favourite place on the planet. I have been planning my first apartment since I was like 10 and thanks to IKEA it is all about to come a reality. YAY!

I am so excited that Daddy's Girl finally finished her story. If you haven't already, check it out here...its AMAZING! Good job girl!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Her "Fairytale"

Her sing song voice is but an act,
She does not walk on heavenly clouds.
Her smile is just a frown turned upside down,
So the world cant see whats happening inside.
Her laugh is well rehearsed, though it sounds so real
It does not portray the way she really feels.
She talks a lot, but says very little.
If you listen closely you'll see what I mean.
She has many "friends", but very few know her
For she finds it hard to open up, and let people love her.
The first time she was hurt, she was only 9 years old,
And it was by a friend, a friend she treasured more than gold.

Sometimes she hurts others, and her conscience does not step in
That's 'cause it has been conditioned to react to the pain within.
Sometimes she lets her guard down, and tries to live a normal life
To be happy, to laugh, to turn her frown into a smile.
But it never lasts, but a brief moment,
'Cause life keeps coming at her, hard!
When she cant take it anymore, she cries,
These tears that linger cause the sparkle in her eyes.
Her life is not a fairytale, but no one will ever know,
'Cause this act is so well rehearsed, that...
She don't know who she is no more.

I went to dinner with mah dearest friend Leila(not her real name) last nite and she gave me the cutest little teddy bear that says 'friends forever" on it. It was the first alone time we have had all summer and I have to say I miss her...
We met up with some friends after and saw Rush Hour 3...it was too funny! I'm definitely gonna see it again, and rent it on video when it comes out.

I talked to one of my "big brothers" AJ last night, told him about K he said that I should forget the lad that there is probably another girl. *sigh* Easier said than done.
I thank all my friends tho cus if I hadn't hung out with them all day I would have had loads of time to think about K. As it was by the time I got home I was so tired I just went straight to bed. Thank God for little miracles.

I have a long weekend at work YAY! So I just have to survive a few more hours at work and then I can take a break till Monday. I'm heading to my school town this weekend to find an apartment wish me luck! Happy weekend all!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The end of a "Relation(friend)ship"

I was going to blog about a certain someone eventually, but I envisioned something a little more on the happy side. I'll get right into it.

I met a guy through a mutual friend while on holiday last month. Lets call this guy K. Truth be told our initial meeting was uncerimonial, but, long story short, we started to take a liking to each other as the holiday progressed. I made it very clear from the onset though that I was skeptical about any kind of relationship because of the distance, but he assured me that that would not be an issue. I CHOPPED!
Last night the following dialogue occurred.

K: You know, I feel like we are just friends now, I feel so comfortable with you.
Me: What do you mean.
K: Well I have been thinking, and I don't think this long distance relationship can really work.
Me: But we are not in a "relationship". I thought we were just talking.
K: Yes, I know, and I want us to keep talking but..
Me: ...but what?
K: I have been talking to me friends and they all say it will not work. You are too far away.
Me: I have also been talking to my friends and none of them have said anything like that.
K: You don't understand, sometimes I want to see you and I can't and it is starting to get frustrating. I am not a long distance kind of guy.
Me: But I thought you said that you were, that you last relationship was long distance?
K: Yes, but she wasn't as far away from me as you are. I could drive to where she was.
Me(starting to get a little peeved): So what you are saying is...
K: Please don't start getting mad. I am just trying to be realistic.
Me: OK, fine, so it cant work. So now what.
K: Nothing needs to change , we can still keep talking.
Me: Talking about what though? If we aren't trying to be in a relationship what is there to talk about? I can't waste my time like that.
K: So you think that have wasted your time.
Me: Well yes! You knew where I lived when you started toasting me and when I told you that it would be an issue you shoved it off. How else do you expect me to feel.
K: You put me under a lot of pressure Timi, always talking about marriage, I am not ready for all of that. My sister is not like that and she is older than you.
Me: And so? People are different. I want to get married early, maybe she doesn't.
K: So you wont talk to me again?
Me: Why should I?
K: I told...
Me: K, please just leave me alone OK.
K: But...

At this point I cut the phone. I don't even know how I slept last night. I have decided that men have serious issues. I was minding my own business when this guy came to disturb me oh, now he is talking like I initiated the whole thing. I don tire joh. I wont sit around and be played for a fool that's for sure. I am upset, mad and just straight confused! I really don't know how much more of this my heart can take oh. All these unserious men are really starting to get on my last nerve.

I am sad though, I really liked this guy. He seemed to understand me and was willing to be patient with me. He said some hurtful things last night though and a part of me is like I should just forget his ass. But another part thinks that I should call him and try to talk some sense into his thick skull...I dono what to do...help!

*Update*
So I called him. Fool that I am...I just made myself feel worse for a minute. The convo was exactly as it was yesterday...but I feel a little better now. I shed a few tears and that always helps. At least this conversation was civil. At the end he was like that I should call me him tonight. To which I replied "What for? I think we have said all that there is to say". He was then like what if he calls me and my answer was the same. Biko the man should leave me alone joh. He don talk his own finish wetin be his wahala? I can't keep "talking" to him like that. Its all good though, this might really be God working sha. I was thinking of making a trip to Naij for Christmas and to think I was not gonna go again because of him. Mehn I am going joh and I am going to rock the place! I am off to go and book my ticket...the best time to spend $$$ is when you are feeling down :D

Friday, August 10, 2007

Flavored Emotions

So I was sitting at work yesterday bored as usual and I wrote this....

Flavored Emotions
Vanilla thoughts with some chocolate Chips,
Spicy feelings and a cold iced tea,
Strawberry loving on cocoa covered biscuits,
Mint Cherry pie, hmm the craving.
Lollipop smiles, with just enough sugar,
Grilled potato chips, salt none the lesser.
Marinated chicken, so much closer to my heart,
A dash of this, a pinch of that,
These are the flavors of my life.


You know your on a diet when...haha.
I know its kinda weird, but I think it cute! Thinking about my feelings in the context of food. It wasn't hard for me to do cus anyone that knows me will tell you straight up, I LOVE FOOD! That is why everyone is just laughing at me about this diet thingy.

Yesterday was a really good day. I left work a little early and hit the downtown mall and men was I glad I did! Its not very often you leave the mall smiling but I was beaming when I left! So many good deals just bit me on the bum. Like I'm talking the kinda deals you find out about at the till when you have already resolved to paying the ticketed price. I was elated. I got the cutest outfit. I have nowhere to wear it to yet, but when an occasion comes up...I AM SET! haha
This weekend is looking good. My aunt and cousins are coming to visit for a couple of weeks and I AM GOING TO SEE NE-YO! I haven't been to a concert in a minute so I am tres excited. My girls just bought me the ticket and were like you're going, So I will go...cannot argue. Should be loads of fun.

Well that's if for today. I am really happy so I don't want to blog about anything emotional and put myself in a mood for the rest of the day. But something will happen to piss me off this weekend I can almost guarantee! hehe
Have a good weekend all and thanks for making me feel so welcome here!

Whats hot in blogville
Check out phatomfictions "book" it already has me hooked. The babe has talent!
Another "Dark Man-X" installation from Idemmili. HOT!

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Prolouge

I need a new addiction! Facebook just isn't working for me anymore, now i need something new and exciting :D. Truth be told I have been a regular in blogville for about a year now. I just never thought I could handle having my own account. I don't think I am that interesting so I didn't think I would have much to blog about. But meh, like I said, I need something new. From what I can see blogging is like therapy. And I need some of that in my life. Just a place to vent and analyse situations you know. Also I have loads of interests that I would like to share with whoever is interested in reading. Fashion like bellanaija, writing like DaddysGirl, fitness like LondonBuki etc. The previous mentioned three are some of my faves as are FavouredGirls bridal series, Overwhelmed's intriguing daily ramblings and confusednaijagirl's "tell your story series". I also get a nice right fix from reading some of Waffarians stuff being warri bred myself. There are many other blogs that i follow and enjoy and i look fwd to joining the blogville naija community. I hope it has the desired results.